The Vice President for academic affairs:
  Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
    is more powerful than a switch engine,
      is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
        walks on water if sea is calm,
          talks with god.

Professor:
  Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds,
    is almost as powerful as a switch engine,
      can fire a speeding bullet,
        walks on water in an indoor swimming pool,
          talks with god if special request is approved.

Associate Professor:
  Barely clears a quonset hut,
    loses tug of war with locomotive,
      misfires frequently,
        swims well,
          is occasionally addressed by god.

Assistant Professor:
  Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings,
    is run over by locomotives,
      can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury,
        dog paddles,
          talks to animals.

Graduate Student:
  Runs into buildings,
    recognizes locomotives two out of three times,
      is not issued ammunition,
        can stay afloat with a life jacket,
          talks to walls.

Undergraduate and work study student:
  Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings,
    says, "look at the choo-choo,"
      wets himself with a water pistol,
        plays in mud puddles,
          mumbles to himself.

Department Secretary:
  Lifts tall buildings and walks under them,
    kicks locomotives off the tracks,
      catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them,
        freezes water with a single glance,
          is god.